Everything was finally ready for the arrival of our baby boy. Women were always moaning about how everyone crazes them with texts and questions about is baby here yet and saying the same things to different people constantly about the baby. But I loved it. The pregnancy was hard, emotional, lonely and stressful but I knew he would be worth it and was just going to fill my world with love and happiness. The 3 weeks before our baby was born I was so happy and loved talking about him to everyone; it made me feel really special. I was just itching to see my baby boy and kiss him, touch him, feel him, smell him, hold him and love him. I was ready for my whole life to change, to grow up and be a perfect Mummy and to learn from all of our mistakes. Me and Lee were more sorted and I was full of hope for our family, I just couldn’t wait.

On the Tuesday before Leo was born we went to the midwife and were booked in to be induced on the following Tuesday when I would have been two weeks overdue. Everything was fine at the midwives and it never crossed my mind that anything bad could happen to my baby.

 On Friday morning of the 27^th of July 2012 I hadn’t noticed baby moving so I left it until about 1 and rang Lee and said if I have a bath and he still hasn’t woken up then we would go to hospital. I honestly thought everything was fine, Lee thought I was being annoying and silly and I really thought I was too.

We didn’t get to the hospital until about 3.30pm and was just plonked in a waiting room for half of an hour. Baby woke up and did some wriggles so I was very happy to wait. As soon as he wriggled I relaxed even though I truly believed there was nothing to worry about in the first place! Once on the monitor his heart was perfect and he was wriggling around perfectly. I just felt really daft, they were obviously busy and I was just being an over paranoid mummy.

The doctor came in and he said they could induce me today but it was up to me. I was really scared but I did have a feeling that would happen but was still shocked, scared and exited. He said it will be fine to wait until Tuesday when I was booked in to be induced but sometimes when babies slow down it could be a sign of the placenta deteriorating as they are only made to keep babies alive for a certain amount of time. He gave us some time to discuss it and we decided we would like to meet our baby. The midwife said to go and get something to eat and come back in an hour. Was very scary but I couldn’t believe I would finally get to see my baby. We went to the Clock Tower and had a roast, it was really surreal, I felt like telling strangers... 'I'm going to finally hold my boy! He's coming!!' After our meal we went back to the hospital. We were put in a side room which was good. Baby was monitored by this crazy young midwife, she was so cute and enthusiastic!! Baby boy was moving and his heartbeat was perfect. He was moving so much the midwife was like "wwow Im not surprised you were concerned of lack of movement if this is what he's like"  As he was going bonkers.
 I was examined and a tablet was put inside me to induce labour. The midwife told us that they would have to move me to the main ward as the side rooms needed to be kept free for ladies just in case something went wrong with their baby. I remember saying to Lee ‘God, this has got to be kept free in case someone’s baby dies, imagine that, I couldn’t be a midwife and have to go through that’. I did not think for one second that it would have been me wheeled in there because my baby had died. Lee had to leave at 10pm and they put me on the main ward. I hated being left alone and everyone was trying to get to sleep so I had to be really quiet. I didn’t get to sleep until 3am. I was hot and it was noisy and uncomfortable and everyone was snoring and getting up, it was really weird. I would have treasured every second if I’d have known he was dying inside me.

 I woke up at 5am on the 28^th of July and was really looking forward to seeing Lee at 8am when he was allowed to come. I was annoyed as the tablet had done nothing, I wasn’t having any contractions or anything and I thought I would need to be on that ward all day and night again. I felt him do some little movements at about 7; I had a little snooze for an hour whilst watching the highlights of the olympics opening ceremony and woke up when I heard the breakfast lady outside. I had a cup of tea and jam on toast. I heard the midwife go next door to the lady and listen to her babies heartbeat, it took her quite a while to find it and I thought, oh God imagine that if she couldn’t find it and the poor little thing had died or something. But she found it and they were fine. A little later the same midwife came to check my baby’s heartbeat, she used a little Doppler and was fiddling about for ages and I started to get pissed off, thinking she was rubbish and was upsetting me!! She got a heartbeat monitor and strapped it to my belly and still couldn’t detect anything. She said not to worry as she could feel him move. I tried not to worry and quickly text Lee SAYING HURRY UP SHE CANT HEAR HIS HEARTBEAT. And tried to stay calm and not panic because I desperately believed she was just crap and couldn’t find his heartbeat. I sent Lee another message and I heard he got it just as he was walking in. I burst out crying when I saw him but kept saying I was being silly and everything was fine and then the doctor from before came in with a scanner and was sat for ages looking at my baby. I was staring at the ceiling thinking no no no no no no no no. I glanced at Lee who was staring at the monitor that I couldn't see but he didn't look scared. I plucked up some courage to ask the doctor 'everythings ok??' but he sort of snapped 'hang on a minute' it seemed to take forever and a million things were running threw my head. Eventually he looked up at me and said "I'm so sorry" 

The pain and horror sliced threw my heart and everything just crumpled around me. I still can't believe it, my baby died 3 weeks and 2 days ago but I really can't believe he's just gone? How can everything I'd planned, all of that hope and excitement just disappeared. How could his little heart have stopped. We were in hospital, I was finally going to be able to see my beautiful boy who was going to make me so happy.

I started screaming and crying "NO!!" and "DO SOMETHING!!" We were in hospital so how could they not do something to save him, he was still a person, he was still alive, he was my baby.

Midwives rushed in and wheeled me out of the ward back in to that fucking room they keep free for people who's babies die. And to stop me scaring all of the other pregnant people being induced and ready to meet their babies.

We sat in the room and cried and screamed and I was laughing hysterically in disbelief and just drowning in the pain. The midwife kept saying shall I ring someone. I was like no!! i cant tell anyone!! I didn't want to let everyone down and for everyone to even come close to the pain that was tearing me apart. Everyone was so exited, it was just awful, awful, awful. Poor baby was lying in my tummy dead. I'm so sad he couldn't have held on a little bit longer, we were so close to finally meeting him and having him light up our world.

Everything is a horrible nasty blur. After an hour or two I was walked to the back entrance of the delivery suite and was given a big room with a sofa bed where I think all of the women like me go, room 6. We were introduced to midwives but I hated  them, I hated the world. Horrible fucking world. My lovely Louise came rushing up to be with me. It was her birthday and she was heart broken. She had been so exited and constantly wanted to talk about him and giving birth. She just made me really happy and exited about him and loved feeling him move!! My close friends and family really helped me threw my stressful pregnancy and for those that did I will be forever grateful as I was very scared and alone. Lou was going to be my birthing partner along with Lee so she just rushed up, I made her go home after hugs and tears as it was just too unbearable for anyone else to have to go threw. An anesthetist came in at some point and told me I should be dosed up on morphine instead of an epidural, she said it was just as good but there were less risks. I was just in so much pain I couldn't cope with the physical pain. So I agreed to have the morphine. Tablets and another pessary to speed up labour. We were giving heart breaking leaflets for when your baby dies. Constant pain and constant tears and fear and utter horribleness suffocated us that day. Tons of my blood was taken