Little Leo

                                         The perfect name.

His beautiful golden mane of hair like Leo the lion.

Everything was finally ready for the arrival of our baby boy. Women were always moaning about how everyone crazes them with texts and questions about is baby here yet and saying the same things to different people constantly about the baby. But I loved it. The pregnancy was hard, emotional, lonely and stressful but I knew he would be worth it and was just going to fill my world with love and happiness. The 3 weeks before our baby was born I was so happy and loved talking about him to everyone; it made me feel really special. I was just itching to see my baby boy and kiss him, touch him, feel him, smell him, hold him and love him. I was ready for my whole life to change, to grow up and be a perfect Mummy and to learn from all of our mistakes. Me and Lee were more sorted and I was full of hope for our family, I just couldn’t wait.

On the Tuesday before Leo was born we went to the midwife and were booked in to be induced on the following Tuesday when I would have been two weeks overdue. Everything was fine at the midwives and it never crossed my mind that anything bad could happen to my baby.

 On Friday morning of the 27^th of July 2012 I hadn’t noticed baby moving so I left it until about 1 and rang Lee and said if I have a bath and he still hasn’t woken up then we would go to hospital. I honestly thought everything was fine, Lee thought I was being annoying and silly and I really thought I was too.

We didn’t get to the hospital until about 3.30pm and was just plonked in a waiting room for half of an hour. Baby woke up and did some wriggles so I was very happy to wait. As soon as he wriggled I relaxed even though I truly believed there was nothing to worry about in the first place! Once on the monitor his heart was perfect and he was wriggling around perfectly. I just felt really daft, they were obviously busy and I was just being an over paranoid mummy.

The doctor came in and he said they could induce me today but it was up to me. I was really scared but I did have a feeling that would happen but was still shocked, scared and exited. He said it will be fine to wait until Tuesday when I was booked in to be induced but sometimes when babies slow down it could be a sign of the placenta deteriorating as they are only made to keep babies alive for a certain amount of time. He gave us some time to discuss it and we decided we would like to meet our baby. The midwife said to go and get something to eat and come back in an hour. Was very scary but I couldn’t believe I would finally get to see my baby. We went to the Clock Tower and had a roast, it was really surreal, I felt like telling strangers... 'I'm going to finally hold my boy! He's coming!!' After our meal we went back to the hospital. We were put in a side room which was good. Baby was monitored by this crazy young midwife, she was so cute and enthusiastic!! Baby boy was moving and his heartbeat was perfect. He was moving so much the midwife was like "wwow Im not surprised you were concerned of lack of movement if this is what he's like"  As he was going bonkers.
 I was examined and a tablet was put inside me to induce labour. The midwife told us that they would have to move me to the main ward as the side rooms needed to be kept free for ladies just in case something went wrong with their baby. I remember saying to Lee ‘God, this has got to be kept free in case someone’s baby dies, imagine that, I couldn’t be a midwife and have to go through that’. I did not think for one second that it would have been me wheeled in there because my baby had died. Lee had to leave at 10pm and they put me on the main ward. I hated being left alone and everyone was trying to get to sleep so I had to be really quiet. I didn’t get to sleep until 3am. I was hot and it was noisy and uncomfortable and everyone was snoring and getting up, it was really weird. I would have treasured every second if I’d have known he was dying inside me.

 I woke up at 5am on the 28^th of July and was really looking forward to seeing Lee at 8am when he was allowed to come. I was annoyed as the tablet had done nothing, I wasn’t having any contractions or anything and I thought I would need to be on that ward all day and night again. I felt him do some little movements at about 7; I had a little snooze for an hour whilst watching the highlights of the olympics opening ceremony and woke up when I heard the breakfast lady outside. I had a cup of tea and jam on toast. I heard the midwife go next door to the lady and listen to her babies heartbeat, it took her quite a while to find it and I thought, oh God imagine that if she couldn’t find it and the poor little thing had died or something. But she found it and they were fine. A little later the same midwife came to check my baby’s heartbeat, she used a little Doppler and was fiddling about for ages and I started to get pissed off, thinking she was rubbish and was upsetting me!! She got a heartbeat monitor and strapped it to my belly and still couldn’t detect anything. She said not to worry as she could feel him move. I tried not to worry and quickly text Lee SAYING HURRY UP SHE CANT HEAR HIS HEARTBEAT. And tried to stay calm and not panic because I desperately believed she was just crap and couldn’t find his heartbeat. I sent Lee another message and I heard he got it just as he was walking in. I burst out crying when I saw him but kept saying I was being silly and everything was fine and then the doctor from before came in with a scanner and was sat for ages looking at my baby. I was staring at the ceiling thinking no no no no no no no no. I glanced at Lee who was staring at the monitor that I couldn't see but he didn't look scared. I plucked up some courage to ask the doctor 'everythings ok??' but he sort of snapped 'hang on a minute' it seemed to take forever and a million things were running threw my head. Eventually he looked up at me and said "I'm so sorry" 

The pain and horror sliced threw my heart and everything just crumpled around me. I still can't believe it, my baby died 3 weeks and 2 days ago but I really can't believe he's just gone? How can everything I'd planned, all of that hope and excitement just disappeared. How could his little heart have stopped. We were in hospital, I was finally going to be able to see my beautiful boy who was going to make me so happy.

I started screaming and crying "NO!!" and "DO SOMETHING!!" We were in hospital so how could they not do something to save him, he was still a person, he was still alive, he was my baby.

Midwives rushed in and wheeled me out of the ward back in to that fucking room they keep free for people who's babies die. And to stop me scaring all of the other pregnant people being induced and ready to meet their babies.

We sat in the room and cried and screamed and I was laughing hysterically in disbelief and just drowning in the pain. The midwife kept saying shall I ring someone. I was like no!! i cant tell anyone!! I didn't want to let everyone down and for everyone to even come close to the pain that was tearing me apart. Everyone was so exited, it was just awful, awful, awful. Poor baby was lying in my tummy dead. I'm so sad he couldn't have held on a little bit longer, we were so close to finally meeting him and having him light up our world.

Everything is a horrible nasty blur. After an hour or two I was walked to the back entrance of the delivery suite and was given a big room with a sofa bed where I think all of the women like me go, room 6. We were introduced to midwives but I hated  them, I hated the world. Horrible fucking world. My lovely Louise came rushing up to be with me. It was her birthday and she was heart broken. She had been so exited and constantly wanted to talk about him and giving birth. She just made me really happy and exited about him and loved feeling him move!! My close friends and family really helped me threw my stressful pregnancy and for those that did I will be forever grateful as I was very scared and alone. Lou was going to be my birthing partner along with Lee so she just rushed up, I made her go home after hugs and tears as it was just too unbearable for anyone else to have to go threw. An anesthetist came in at some point and told me I should be dosed up on morphine instead of an epidural, she said it was just as good but there were less risks. I was just in so much pain I couldn't cope with the physical pain. So I agreed to have the morphine. Tablets and another pessary to speed up labour. We were giving heart breaking leaflets for when your baby dies. Constant pain and constant tears and fear and utter horribleness suffocated us that day. Tons of my blood was taken

From Bump to Baby Leo.

20 week scan when we found out our perfect little wriggle was a boy. 

12 week scan when we were told everything was perfect and we told everyone our news.

This is the last picture I ever took of my baby bump 3 days before Leo was born

This was baby boy 4 days before he was born, he had kept me up all night leaping around in there and was in some really strange bulging shapes.

xxxx

He was a perfect little wriggle the whole way threw my pregnancy, I din't have any major problems and was always told by the midwife how lucky I was.

I found out I had anti E bloods which really worried me. Lee thought that I was being silly as the midwife reassured us it was nothing to worry about but I told him that I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy. I did worry the whole way threw, I'm a worrier anyway but I was so worried about everything. I never worried with Jonathan, which you would have thought I would be more likely to seeing as he was my first child.

I told the midwife who came to see me after Leo was born that I had had a bad feeling from the start and she said. "Well they do say a mother knows don't they"

I can't help wondering if this was fate/ meant to be? Somehow I knew all along? I will never know I guess.

I was so happy towards the end of my pregnancy, every day I was a little bit more exited and desperate to meet him. Everything was finally sorted and everything was ready for him. I loved sharing the excitement with everyone and I just could not wait to finally meet him.

A poem I wrote for the funeral but never used

Our baby Leo.

I loved you Leo from the start,

I will carry you forever in my heart.

My arms are empty and sad,

I can't stop picturing the life we never had.

You filled my future full of love and hope,

Without you here how will I cope?

One thing I promise you; I would do this all again,

Just to see your beautiful face I would go threw all this pain.

Your memory will live on, see we are all a part of you,

Our little baby Leo who I wish we'd shared and knew.

There is love in every tear that's shed,

Now it's time to rest your little head.

Sleep peacefully baby Leo,

Love Mummy Xx

Cuddles

  Some of the special people in Leo's life having some cuddles.

Mummy and Daddy

Nanny Sadler

Grandad Hadfield

Nanny Hadfield

Auntie Louise

Auntie Sophie

The last time we ever saw our little Leo.

We had taken him some teddies, love hearts, photos of his Mummy, Daddy and his big brother and sister so that we will always be with him, and letters from us, friends and family and he looked so loved. As awful as it was knowing that really would be the last time we ever got to see or touch our precious little boy it was nice to see him surrounded with love, he did look very special when I gave him his last ever kiss.

This is the last photo that will ever be taken of our beautiful boy

Sleeping baby

 When Leo left the hospital he was taken to Gordon Barbers funeral home. I never thought I would ever want to see a body that was no longer alive  but I needed to know he was ok. I was so scared about what it would be like and the thought of him being there was heart breaking enough.

It was actually ok though, he was sleeping so peacefully and looked so beautiful and safe. I'm so glad I went. I went to see him a few times.

He was still so perfect and he just looked so fast asleep.

Beautiful angel.

Since you've been gone...

I have clung on to every part of you and I am desperate to keep your memory alive and I have clung to every little thing that I can.

I used to think people who keep the babies placenta are a little bit bonkers and it wouldn't cross my mind if Leo was with us, but we kept the placenta and we bought a pretty little tree and planted it on top of Leo's placenta so the tree will be a small part of him. It's planted in my parents garden so we can watch it grow.

I have kept everything to do with Leo, I have made a large memory box and wrapped it in baby boy paper, I haven't finished it yet but I plan to put photos of Leo and make it look as lovely as I can. This will be filled with everything from the hospital, memory's of my pregnancy with Leo and of my favourite outfits and blankets and teddies. It's something I will treasure forever.

For the funeral I made some envelopes decorated with little silver stars, a butterfly, details of our baby boy and the little rhyme... Twinkle, twinkle little star do you know how loved you are.... across the bottom. I was  going to get that rhyme to go across the wall when he was born to have above his moses basket, but it seems more appropriate now he is our little twinkle in the sky. I put a poem, photos of Leo and a copy of his footprints along with a heart that Leo has the same one with him forever. I just wanted people to remember him.

This is Jonathan a very proud big brother looking at his beautiful little brother on the day of his funeral. He looks so proud bless him. Xx

In the evening of Leo's funeral we sent a wish lantern up in to the sky....

but it crashed and burned into someone's garden ....   :')

We drank the champagne that had been waiting in the fridge to celebrate our baby boy finally being here.

My lovely boy sat down and wrote me and Lee a card, he must have got his inspiration from all of the sympathy cards we have. It says To Anna and Lee its such a shame that baby Leo died I will try to be good for you and I love both of you xxxxxx and then he drew a picture of Leo's grave with a chimney and heart smoke :') I thought it was so so lovely.

I wish.

I wish everything was different.

I wish my baby was here. 

I wish he was not laying in a coffin in a grave yard,

I wish I could have just had one day so he could have seen his Mummy and Daddy and his lovely family.

I wish I had just one hour.

I wish I had his whole life to share with him.

I wish I could hear his laugh.

I wish I could have dressed him in all of those beautiful outfits I was so exited about.

I wish he could have held my finger with his tiny hands.

I wish I had told him how much I loved him more often when he was growing inside me.

I wish I was happier in my pregnancy.

I wish I hadn't gotten my poor Jonathan so exited about seeing him.

I wish I hadn't day dreamed about my future and every little thing I would do with my baby.

I wish he had just been here one day sooner.

I wish I had gotten a birthing ball to rock on sooner.

I wish I could hold my baby right now.

I wish I knew where he was, what happens when you die??

I wish he had come early like his big brother, he would be eight weeks old right now if he was like his big brother!

I wish you had never heard me cry when you were in my tummy.

I wish I was with you Leo.

I wish this had never happened to us.

I wish I knew if I would one day see him again, I wish I knew if there was a heaven.

I wish I knew he was safe, happy and warm.

I wish all of the hopes and dreams I had for us could come true.

I wish this was some terrible dream.

I wish I could dream about you every night, when I don't it makes me so sad.

I wish you hadn't fallen asleep inside me. 

I wish there was something I could do to change this.

I wish you were here instead of me.

I wish I could take everyone's pain away.

I wish all of these tears were smiles and all of this pain was just love.

I wish you could have just held on one more day and you would be here.

I wish I was moaning about the sleepless nights.

I wish I was sharing you with everyone.

I wish you knew just how special and loved you are.

I wish I could hear you laugh.

I wish I could have changed your nappy.

I wish I could have a little glimpse of who you are, who you would have been.

I wish I knew why!! Why??? Why did your heart stop beating? 

I just wish you were here in my arms.

 Leo was born at 10.14pm on the 28th of July 2012.

 We spent a long time holding, kissing and talking to our new baby boy.It was an absolutely beautiful but heart breaking time, filled to the brim with love and sadness.

Eventually the midwife bathed him and weighed him and then I put a tiny nappy on and dressed him in an outfit me and Lee had chosen for him weeks ago.

We spent more time having cuddles and kisses and crying a thousand tears. I had a shower and then we crawled onto the sofa bed and we curled up in the middle together and slept for a while, whilst our baby Leo slept in his moses basket at the end of our bed. Opening our eyes that Sunday morning was horrific. Every single morning since Leo was born sleeping it's been horrific, it's the first thing I think of and my world crashes down around me.

On Sunday the 29th of July our parents came to see our baby and say goodbye. It was unbearably hard. Then my lovely friends Sophie and Louise came to see him too. They had been there every step of the way with me threw my pregnancy and were so exited to be a part of Leo's life. Louise bought two teddies one for me and one for Leo, which was a lovely idea and it is a very special teddy now and always will be. Sophie bought Leo a little heart stone saying LOVE, LOVE,LOVE all over it. He did look very peaceful and loved.

Our parents were there when we had Leo blessed by a lovely Chaplain lady. It was very beautiful. Our parents and friends said there goodbyes and then it came to the time when we had to do the same. We had the car  seat waiting in the car and all of his beautiful things waiting for him at home. I was bursting with excitement about using them all and him finally being at home with us. But we were leaving the hospital alone, we had to leave our beautiful baby in that horrible place. 

Leo Jaxson Hadfield was born sleeping on the 28th of July 2012 at 10.14pm, weighing 8lb 4oz.

This is our beautiful baby boy....

 These are some very precious photos of our beautiful little Leo just after he was born.
We both completely fell in love with him and will always love him. It was absolutely heartbreaking but I would do it all again just to have him touch our lives. I love him so, so much.

He was so perfect and beautiful. xx

Little Leo's funeral.

Thursday the 9th of July 2012


As Leo's little white coffin was carried into the church by his Daddy the song Precious child by Karen Taylor Good was playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo

Kind words and the following poems and prayers were said. Oh precious, tiny, sweet little one You will always be to me So perfect, pure, and innocent Just as you were meant to be. We dreamed of you and your life And all that it would be. We waited and longed for you to come And join our family. We never had the chance to play, To laugh, to rock, to wiggle. We long to hold you, touch you now, And listen to you giggle. I’ll always be your mother He’ll always be your dad. You will always be our child, The child that we had. But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here We sense you everywhere. You are our sorrow and our joy, There’s love in every tear. Just know our love goes deep and strong, We’ll forget you never— The child we had, but never had, And yet, will have forever.

Don't let them say I wasn't born Don't let them say I wasn't born that something stopped my heart I felt each tender squeeze you gave I've loved you from the start. Although my body you can't hold It doesn't mean I'm gone This world was worthy not of me God chose that I move on. I know the pain that drowns your soul What you are forced to face You have my word I'll fill your arms Someday we will embrace. You'll hear that is was "meant to be" God doesn't make mistakes But that wont soften your first blow Or make your heart not ache. I'm watching over all you do Another child you'll bear Believe me when I say to you That I am always there. There will come a time I promise you When you will hold my hand Stroke my face and kiss my lips And then you'll understand. Although I've never breathed your air Or gazed into your eyes That doesn't mean I never was An Angel never dies. 2 small prayers were said inside the church: Bless this little one so barely known Make room in your heart to find a safe home. Guide this little one in finding his way To your place of resting and joy, to always stay. Hold this little one safe and secure Where nothing is tarnished, but bright and pure. Wait with this little one'till others catch up And are reunited in warmth, peace and love. Child of my flesh bone of my bone wherever you go, I will go wherever you live, I will live. As you go into the mystery of life before us may you be at peace. That in God's good time we may be together in peace. Leo's tiny coffin. Rest In Peace baby boy. Leo's tiny coffin was carried out of the church into the sunshine by his Daddy.   We played Rudimental Feel The Love as it was Leo's song when I was waddling around  with him in my tummy. It wasn't very appropriate for a funeral but it made his Mummy and Daddy smile threw the tears and it was nice to share it with him one last time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oABEGc8Dus0 Feel The Love The following poems and beautiful words were said at his graveside:

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

I am not there. I do not sleep. 

I am a thousand winds that blow. 

I am the softly falling snow. 

I am the fields of ripened grain. 

I am the gentle showers of rain. 

I am in the morning's hush 

I am in the graceful rush 

Of beautiful birds in circled flight. 

I am the star shine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in the quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,I am now a part of everything

Do not stand at my grave and cry; 

I am not there. I did not die. 

Gentle up above

Gentle up above

To you we send all our love

The brightest star in the sky to see

Special to us you will always be

Thoughts of the day you passed away

and the times we wish that we could have played

Every day in some small way

Memories of you will come our way

We held you close, how brief we met

Your angel face we will never forget

With tears in our eyes we say goodbye

The memories we have will never die.

God has prepared a heavenly place for all his children, a place where the spirit lives on forever. Our bodies are made from dust and to dust we  return. Our spirits are made in love and to love we return. Leo Jaxson Hadfield we lay you to rest and commend your spirit to God's loving eternal care.

Blessing.

May God give you strength to face each new day and to be there for each other. May God give you hope for the future. God be with you today and all the days of your lives. Amen.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx